Letting go of a dream?

Ugh. I'm cleaning out/organizing my kitchen again. Every few months I get so disgusted I spend a few days trying to make it better. It's so frustrating. How do I have so much junk?? I mean, my house is tiny! Every 3-4 months I go through and throw away tons of junk. But 3-4 months later there is tons more that needs to be thrown away! It's ridiculous.

But this time I've come to a hard decision. I decided a few months ago I couldn't handle cake decorating on a large scale in the space I have. So I won't do any more until I get a better space. But it's looking more and more like that better space is not coming any time soon, if ever. I'm starting to think it may be time to get rid of all the cake pans.

I have got cake pans EVERYWHERE. Hanging on the walls in my kitchen, in cabinets, on shelves, in my closet, in Hubby's closet, in storage in the car port. Everywhere. It's starting to become a burden. Every time I see them, it reminds me of what I can't do. I really like decorating cakes. It's fun, it's creative, it would be a great way to make a little extra money. Someday. If someday ever comes. Ugh.

No Pain, No Gain? But I'm trying to lose!

I hate being sore. Actually, I really hate being sore. No, I really, really hate being sore. Three and a half months I have been working out now. Three and a half months I have been sore. I am truly miserable. I'm trying so hard to learn how to keep my house clean, actually cook for my family, and take care of myself. And I am, mostly. But not nearly as much as I really want to. It's crazy, for the first time ever, I really want to clean. But the pain, every time I move! I can barely even walk, I'm limping around the house. My house is actually cleaner than it has ever been, but I feel like it is so dirty. I haven't swept in two days. And actually, I didn't even sweep then. My "housekeeper" did. There is dog hair everywhere. It is completely grossing me out. But not enough to endure the excruciating pain that will come when I have to squat down to sweep the pile into the dust pan.  Bending over to move clothes from the washing machine to the dryer or take them out to fold them has been agony.

The worst part is how freaking slow the scale is moving. Everyone keeps telling me how good I look, but I just can't see it. My clothes are looser, and I can wear things I haven't worn in a long time. But I feel so achy and lazy I just want to curl up in a ball and not move at all. And that makes me feel fat and gross. Ugh.

Happy Birthday to me :)

So, today is my birthday. My 30th birthday. Is this it? Is this when the switch flips? Am I officially a grown up now? Will I magically know all the stuff I think I'm supposed to know? Will I magically do all the things I think I'm supposed to do? Hmmm...

I'm waiting...

Still waiting...

You know, I'm beginning to think there might not be a switch. I might have to suck it up and work hard to be a grown up. Keep learning the things I think I'm supposed to know. Actually do the things I think I'm supposed to do.

I'm actually enjoying this birthday quite a bit. It's a big number, so I got a big weekend with Hubby. We went down to Texas Hill Country near Austin and stayed in a fabulous B&B, Mt Gainor Inn. It was a perfect location, perfect setting, perfect room, just absolutely perfect. The innkeepers were so nice, and breakfast was delicious! We only got lost twice on the way there, and anybody who has ever traveled with me will know that is really good! The first night we just grabbed take out Chinese and passed out early. We had both had a hard week. Saturday we ventured down to Wimberly to the Wimberly Glass Works. We got to see the artists at work, and it was amazing! Then we shopped for a while in the quaint little downtown. We also stopped at a local winery for a tasting and picked out a bottle to bring home. By then I was tired (I'm not big on being out running around) so we headed back to our cottage and had a very relaxing bubble bath. Dinner was at a very nice local cafe and then we spent about an hour lounging and talking in the hammocks at the inn. I literally cried because it was all so perfect. Sunday we managed to make it all the way home without getting lost at all. Although we did get stuck behind a huge slow rv and a funeral procession!

This week has been back to the grind, and I feel like I'm slowly getting better at taking care of things. As I type there are currently NO dishes in my sink! School is going well, I've been cooking, and cleaning. I'm becoming a regular housewife. It feels so good.

I think I'm going to like being grown up :)

It's a Journey

This was a timely piece of advice I found this week on Pinterest. Just the day after having a discussion with my beloved friend about how unfair it is to watch so-and-so do so little, but lose weight quickly. Or so-and-so can work hard for a few weeks and drop a ton of weight. But, it's not a competition. It's a journey. I am on a journey to FEEL better.

Today, I felt really good.  I didn't start out feeling really good though.  I didn't really want to get up early.  But I knew last night I wouldn't.  So I made sure my work out buddy was coming!  I am so thankful to have a work out buddy.  When I got home, I couldn't resist getting on the scale.  It's still moving, albeit painfully slowly, but moving downward.  That made me feel so good I decided to try on one of the dresses I haven't been able to wear in a while.  And it fit!  That made me feel way better, because it shows way more progress.  I wore the dress out to lunch with my Mom, Meme, and sisters to celebrate out summer birthdays.  And surprise, Mom decided we needed pedicures too!  Fabulous day.  One more step in the journey.

Wow

So, I just realized it's been 7 and a half months since I posted!  First of all, the house I mentioned fell through.  It sold before we could get our act together.  I was depressed for a while, but I've learned a lot from the experience.  I'm trying to focus on paying off our debt and getting this house ready to be sold.  Weight has been up and down.  I'm finally starting to believe my beloved friend when she tells me to ignore the numbers.  I'm working with my doctor to try to loose the weight and treat my PCOS with some medications, and my beloved friend is keeping motivated to work out and take care of myself. 

I am SO stinking proud of myself right now, we have not been out to eat in almost a week!  I am - total shocker here - COOKING!  I'm cooking breakfast when I get home from the gym, packing Andy's lunch, and even cooking dinner every night!  And an even bigger shocker here - keeping the kitchen clean besides!!  It is SOOOOO much easier to make myself cook instead of going out when I just have to walk into the kitchen and start cooking vs cleaning the kitchen only to make a big mess.  And waking up to a clean kitchen is incredible!!

This past weekend I planned a menu for the next two weeks, planned a shopping list, bought all the groceries I need, and have been preparing freezer meals!  I have a supply of 5 meals in the freezer I can just pull out and throw in the oven or crock pot.  Plus I'm going to try today to get some more soups made and packaged in serving sizes for lunch.  I even MADE granola bars to eat on the way to the gym.  I am feeling like such a good homemaker :)

Today anyway.  I was really depressed last week.  Since I haven't posted since the beginning of the year, I'll just put down the whole story.  Between January and May my weight stayed pretty much the same.  Working out consisted of some dance workouts 2 or 3 times a week, maybe some yoga.  Sometimes I counted calories meticulously, sometimes I didn't care.  I think it was around the middle of May I had a huge breakdown.  But that's where my dear, beloved, amazing, wonderful friend stepped in and helped me refocus.  She's now my gym buddy once a week.  I'm at the gym 5 days a week, only doing cardio so far.  I've tried weights a few times, but I hate so much being sore, I started skipping days at the gym.  So I decided cardio is fine for now, as long as I'm going consistently.  The most important thing my beloved friend is teaching me is to ignore the numbers.  She is really good at this.  Me... not so much.  It took a solid month of working out consistently for the stupid scale to start moving.  It was soooooo frustrating.  And then it moves so slowly!!  But, I began to see how she was right.  Then, I got sick and missed a couple of days at the gym.  And I had one weekend of completely not paying attention to what I was eating.  Suddenly I gained back .4 of those 5 pounds I had worked so hard to loose!  So of course I freaked out and fell back into old habits.  Pushing hard at the gym, counting every calorie, getting on that cursed scale every morning.  And I ended up gaining 2 whole pounds!!  After a huge pity party/temper tantrum I realized, I was letting the numbers control me again.  So I quit counting.  Funny thing, those two pounds disappeared.  And I feel much better! 

School with the boys is going very well.  We got really frustrated with the end of our last school year, and after much agonizing and studying I chose a new curriculum.  I LOVE it.  I feel like I am actually in control of it, instead of it controlling me.  The boys are loving it.  My oldest actually came up to me and said, "I never thought I'd say this, but I actually like school."  I was floored.  That alone was worth the months spent researching and trying to decide, the hours fighting the crowd at the book fair, and the extra expenses.  Oh - yes, we have already started school.  Since I am in control, I set the schedule.  So we'll have 6 weeks of school, and then 2 weeks of break, throughout the year.  Plus 4 weeks off for summer. Here in Texas it's too darn hot to be outside in July-August, so we might as well be doing school now, and take our time off in the cooler parts of the year!

Another big milestone, my birthday is fast approaching!  It's the big 3-0 this year.  I've laughed at all my friends from school freaking out of facebook about how they are so old.  And then freaked out a little myself.  But mostly I think I'm ok with it.  I've accomplished quite a bit in my 30 years on this earth.  And I am proud of most of it.  I've planned myself a nice road trip with Hubby to celebrate, and I'm getting super excited about that at least!

New Year, New Start

Well, it's a new year, and I'm making a new start.  It's been almost a year since I began this blog.  I feel like I've come so far, and yet I haven't gotten anywhere.  Weight wise, I lost 10 pounds, and then gained it back.  But self-esteem wise, I've learned it's ok to enjoy my time alone.  I am proud of a couple of things - I have started taking the time to really fix my hair and wear make-up when I go out of the house; and I have started running errands with the boys instead of always getting a babysitter.

That last bit leads into this excitement - we may be getting a new home!  We stumbled across a property that is within our price range, that Hubby and I have both fallen in love with.  God seems to be opening the doors, but we are still waiting on a few things.  It is a very emotional process, but I feel like I am learning and growing.  I am working hard to get this house ready to sell, and learning to be less dependent on family (the new house is an hour away).

So this looks to be a pretty big year.  I'm settling back into a work out routine, and cutting out more junk food.  Taking care of myself, my family and my home :)

Crazy Christmas

Oh my, what a weekend!  How crazy was it?  The entire Burney family slept 12 hours last night!!  We got home earlier than expected and went straight to bed.  And since we didn't have anywhere to go today, we slept in too!  It was fabulous! 

My diet and exercise, however, has not been fabulous.  I am too scared to even step on the scales.  I have not worked out since before our Thanksgiving vacation, and my eating habits have been deplorable.  But, it's never too late to get back on track.  Starting today, I have vowed to go back to only one soda a week.  Drank lots of water today, and I feel so much better.  Next week I'll work on getting my diet back under control and working out.

I am trying to decide if after the first of the year I want to set up a consultation with a local nutritionist, or simple join Weight Watchers.  I have heard so many great things about WW, and I know it would work.  But since I also have PCOS, I think this nutritionist might be able to help me get my hormones under control.  I guess I have a week or so to decide.

So much happened last week, it seems surreal.  Not only did we have the rush of Christmas, but I showed Andy a property I have been looking at for a while.  Much to my surprise, he actually liked it!!  So much so, that we drove out to see it!!  And we fell in love!!!  The property is gorgeous.  But, the house itself needs a LOT of work.  So there are a lot of factors to consider.  For starters, could we even qualify for the necessary financing??  We are praying hard for guidance.

Hope everyone had as Merry a Christmas as we did!

Time flies!

My, oh, my, where did November go?  I've been incredibly busy with our huge family vacation!  We just got home, and it was absolutely fabulous!! 10 days and 3,200 miles of family togetherness and adventures!

So here is the breakdown.  We left out really early, and the first three days were the hardest.  Driving all day trying to get all the way to New Jersey in time.  We had to be there by Sunday because the reason we went was for my niece's Baptism.  Thursday was pretty easy.  Driving all day.  But our Ford Flex was incredibly comfortable, and we got the boys some video games and dvd players.  Friday, we traveled all the way across Tennessee.  And fell in love.  We attempted to bypass Nashville and ended up on mountain backroads.  It was absolutely gorgeous.  We will be going back there.  Many times.  Saturday was more gorgeous mountains and farm country.  We arrived earlier than planned, in plenty of time for dinner with everyone.  We stayed in New Jersey with my Sister-in-law.  My Mother-in-law and other Sister-in-law also stayed at the house, they arrived by plane on Thanksgiving Day.  My Father-in-law arrived by plane about the time we did.  He stayed at a nearby Bed and Breakfast. 

Sunday morning was a big adventure.  As we were getting ready for the Baptism service, we realized I had brought the wrong shoes for My Angel.  Well, I brought one that was right, the other was from a different pair.  Two different styles, two different sizes.  So we jumped in the car and took off for Wal*Mart to buy shoes.  Except we didn't check his shoe size before we left.  He thought he wore a size 4, I thought he wore a size 2.  So we called my mother-in-law and asked her to check his tennis shoes.  She said size 1, so we bought size two.  We rushed to the church, arriving just in time.  My Angel is in the back fighting with these shoes, can't get them on.  We keep yelling at him, telling him to quit throwing a fit and just put the shoes on.  He finally gets them on as we get there.  We run in, and it was a lovely service.  We go to dinner and My Angel keep complaining his feet hurt, we cannot believe he is still whining about this.  When we got back to the house I checked his shoes.  Turns out my mother-in-law checked the bottom of his shoe, which was worn.  The shoes were a size 4.  He was right, the shoes didn't fit, and they were in fact hurting him all day.  Parenting fail.  But we survived the day.  That night we exchanged Christmas gifts for all the kids since we were all together. 

Monday morning everyone else flew home.  We went with my Hubby's sister and her family to the Crayola Experience in Easton, PA.  We thought the kids might like it, figured we'd be there an hour or so, then head back for some antiquing or something.  Turns out the kids LOVED it, we were there all day!  There was a demonstration of how crayons and markers are made, and stations all over were the kids could use ALL of the crayola products.  They got to bring home all the stuff they made. 

Tuesday we started back towards home, but this time we took our time.  We stopped to explore a cavern.  It was a lot of fun.  Wednesday morning we woke up to snow!  Just enough to be beautiful and fun to play in, but not too much to slow us down.  It was also great because we were on our way to the Great Smokey Mountain Railway for the Polar Express Train Ride!  The boys absolutely LOVED it.  I however, forgot the camera in the car.  I also thought I forgot my phone in the car.  But it wasn't there when we got back.  It also wasn't in the hotel room when we got back there.  After a frantic hour long search, we finally found it.  At a gas station.  In the trash can.  Hubby is still teasing me about that one.

Thursday we explored the Cherokee Indian Reservation our hotel turned out to be in.  Did some shopping, then made our way to the next stop in Alabama.  Friday we decided we had been gone long enough.  We were out of clean clothes and tired of hotel beds.  So we bypassed our last stop and headed straight home.

It was a great trip, but we are glad to be home now.  Now to start on the laundry...

Back in the saddle again... sort of...

Well, I seem to be somewhat back on track. I am eating better, and exercising sporadically. Maybe this week I can be more disciplined in working out. Although, Hubby will be off three days in a row, so it's not too likely :(

I believe I have discovered a monthly cycle that is quite appalling.  It seems once a month I gain 3-4 pounds for one week.  Fortunately by the end of the week it is all gone.  But I don't like it.  It has happened three times now.  And yes, it is in relation to "that time of the month."  So I suppose I'll have to get used to it.  And knowing what is causing it, and that it will go away quickly makes it not quite so depressing.

School is going pretty well.  Matthew's reading is coming along, we are staying up with our lessons.  We even got all of this week's work done early so we could take Friday off!  Joseph is doing well also.  Reading pretty well, but Math is kind of lagging.  At this rate we will finish all our other work months before we finish Math.  It's not that he has trouble with the concepts of math, he just has a hard time focusing on it long enough.  We are only getting 1-2 pages done each day.  But again, this is why I homeschool.  So we can go at their pace.

I mentioned we took Friday off of school, the reason was - I went to Canton's First Monday Trade Days for the first time!  It was really fun.  I got to spend some time with ladies from my church.  For those who don't know, First Monday is a HUGE flea market that takes place in Canton, Texas the weekend before the First Monday of each month.  It would have been a lot more fun if I had been able to buy anything, but pretty soon we'll have this debt under control and I will definitely be going back!

Ups and Downs

Ah, it's been a month of ups and downs.  Mostly ups, so I'm trying to focus on those.  I've been working on keeping a positive attitude, and I think I've done pretty well.  Today is hard though.  I slacked off last week and gained some weight back :(  But I'm trying not to let that get me down.  Just stay focused on the fact I have been loosing.

Last weekend was a crazy whirlwind.  Long story short - we bought a motorcycle!  Hubby has always wanted one, and we've talked about saving up for someday.  But he stumbled across a deal that was just too good to pass up.  So money will be a little tight for a few weeks.  But it's worth it.  He is so excited!  And I am so happy he was able to realize a lifelong dream!

I have stayed mostly on top of school work.  There have been a few days we didn't get all our assignments done.  Even one day we just skipped.  But I make sure to get caught up by the end of the week.  I am excited that my Little Man is starting to read pretty well, but it kinda makes me sad too.  Because I realize how much more attention and hard work I am giving him and this stage of his schooling than I gave my Angel.  Live and learn I suppose.  And I am glad I am getting better at this.  But I still feel really bad that I didn't do so well with my Angel.  Like I'm letting him down.  He is starting to do much better though.  Hopefully I'll get him caught up soon.

After two weeks of living in a dump, I am finally getting caught up on housework again too.  After 12 solid hours (over two days) of folding and hanging, the laundry is caught up!  I cleaned out and organized all the boys drawers, their closet, and my closet.  I think I'll work on my drawers this week.  Fall Cleaning always makes me feel better.

I love Fall so much!  It is definitely my favorite time of year.  The weather is beautiful, and there are so many chances to get together with family!  Someday I'll have a home more conducive to entertaining and I can keep it filled with guests.  Still not sure if that will mean major remodeling or moving.  But we are making a lot of progress in fixing up this home.  My back room is almost finished.  All that is lacking is trim.  And I just went ahead and moved furniture in this week.  And as soon as I finished unloading/moving/reloading my old worn out bookcases, my m-i-l told me about some nicer, matching bookcases I could go pick up!  So I get to do it all over again.  But it will look even better :)

Oh, and my workouts.  I get to start walking with a precious friend this week.  She's recovering from surgery and has to "take it easy" for 4-6 weeks.  So we are going to walk 5 miles 3-4 times a week!  I have a feeling it won't be as "easy" for me.  But she is much farther along this journey of life-change and I am super excited to learn from her :)

Amazing Day

I have had an amazing Sunday.  Great Sunday School class with my girls.  Amazing worship service.  Good lunch with family.  Got a little bit of housework done.  Relaxing and watching football.  Pretty much a perfect Sunday.

It has been a really rough week.  I've been struggling with a lot of things.  Not being as organized as I'd like.  Not being able to get back into my workout routine, even though I'm finally well.  Not being content with the blessings God has given me.  Not understanding some theological issues.  Feeling like I'm not on the same page with Hubby in a lot of ways.

But today was amazing.  As I prepared to teach this morning, I felt like God was speaking to me.  We managed to all get up, and get ready, and have time to go out for breakfast before church.  During breakfast God used a simple conversation to show me Hubby and I are in fact on the same page.  Sunday School went really well.  All three boys sat quietly through worship service.  And it was one of those incredible services, where everything flows together perfectly, and God was speaking directly to my heart.  Almost every sentence the pastor spoke was answering a specific question I had been struggling with this week.

After church I got to visit with my Baby Sister, and we ended up going out to eat with her family, her in-laws who are in town, and our other Sister.  We had a great time talking over great food.  I have gotten quit a bit of housework done, as well as relaxed a lot since we've been home.  And I got to watch football :)

I am so refreshed and so ready to start a new week.  It's going to be hard - I've got to decorate a cake for my niece's 1st birthday party tomorrow, as well as get the boys schoolwork done.  But I am ready!  I can do it!

Ugh!

I am so sick of being sick!  I cannot stop coughing and I cannot find my voice!  It is so frustrating!!!

Tomorrow I am going to start watching my diet again, after a whole week off.  I am a little scared to get on the scales.  But I will in the morning.  See what the damage is.  But I don't think I will work out.  I would just end up in a coughing fit before I could even get started.

I stayed mostly caught up on school work.  I did at least a few lessons each day.  And by the end of Friday we had only two lessons not completed.  One was a science experiment we didn't have the supplies for, the other is a math lesson.  Last week was really math heavy.  I realized I do need to actually look at Angel's lessons ahead of time to be prepared.  We have three more science experiments due this week, two of which will take all week to complete, if not longer.  I need to watch ahead for book reports too, so he doesn't have to try to read a whole book and write in one day.

And this afternoon I finally sucked it up and cleaned most of the house.  I got the living room clean, the kitchen clean, my room mostly picked up, and a few loads of laundry done.  I feel better having a clean house.  Still coughing my head off, but I do like a clean house.

Update - I forgot Hubby was off Monday, so no such thing as a regular schedule.  But I did track my food diary and stayed right at my calorie goal.  I weighed in this morning, and I am still losing!  Made me feel so much better!  One more pound last week makes a total of 8 pounds since I began this journey in August.  And I managed to get in 15 minutes of cardio before the coughing fit.  So happy to be moving again!

Here we go go go go... on an adventure!

I am learning it is actually a lot of fun to go out and do things outside my house by myself.  It's still a little scary to actually head out, but I always have fun.  I've already posted about going out to refresh Grandma's flowers, but that was only the beginning of the adventure.  I traveled almost 200 miles!  All by myself!

First stop was the post office, but since they were not open yet, it was on to Chick-fil-a.  I would just like to say, I adore Chick-fil-a.  I love their food, I love their employees, I love their business concept, I love everything about them.  I had picked up boxed meals for our church fellowship meal last Wednesday from them.  They gave me all the sandwiches in this nifty warmer thing that kept them toasty and fresh until I served them.  It was awesome.  So I went back Saturday morning to return the nifty warmer thing.  And they gave me free breakfast for returning it.  Did I mention I love Chick-fil-a??

Then I headed down to Wortham and took care of the flowers.  As long as I was down their, I decided to check out the town.  I found a little antique store and perused for a while.  Then I drove around randomly looking at houses.  After one last drive past Grandma's resting place I got to thinking about my Grandmother who was still living.  I hadn't seen her in a few months.  Since I was already so far from home, I decided to head up and see her.  So I drove up to Edgewood.  Another 2 hours.  But I took some smaller country highways.  The drive was actually quite beautiful.  I hate to drive, but I actually enjoyed it.  We are experiencing what passes for Fall here in the great state of Texas.  And in East Texas they actually have trees.  Lots of trees.  Big trees.  And they were starting to change a little red.  It was quite beautiful.

When I got close I called my Grand-mommy and let her know I was coming.  She got really excited.  When I got there I discovered my Daddy was already there.  He was doing some chores and visiting.  So we all visited.  Grand-mommy wanted to show me how her boys (my Daddy and uncles) had remodeled her bathroom so she could get in there with her walker.  And she showed me her new vanity table with the lights.  We discussed my new interest in antiquing.  I was trying to explain some antique school desks I had found and wished I could have bought for our school room.  The kind were the desk for one is attached to the back of the bench.  You put them in a line in front of the other. 

Granddaddy remembered he used to have some antique school desks.  They might be still out in the shed.  I just had to go look!  We only found one.

I texted my aunt, who is a teacher, before I took it home, and she wanted to keep it.  But we found some other amazing stuff!

The scythe my Granddaddy used to cut hay when he was a boy:

A set of World Book Encyclopedias:

And not one, but two of these old reel-to-reel tape players:

It was even more fun than the antique malls, because of the stories I got with each piece I found!  I am so glad I took the time to go visit with them.

When I left them I stopped at the farmer's market in their small town.  I found some great pumpkins, some delicious fresh strawberries, and a jar of local honey with the comb inside (a special treat for my Hubby :)

On the way back to the big city I decided to stop at this huge General Store that I've always wondered what it was.  They were kind of cleaning up and getting ready to close, but they had a ton of iron... stuff?  Door knockers, hanging hooks, decorations, all kinds of stuff.  I found some coat hangers for my front entry.

By the time I finally made it home, I realized I was exhausted.  But it was really a great day.  I went out on my own and had a blast!

Fall Respects

Well, it's Fall.  Sort of.  Fall in Texas means it's only in the 90's, and we finally got a smattering of rain.  We did have a few brief moments of cool.  And it got me thinking.  About Grandma actually.  That woman was obsessive about tending to her parents' and her husband's grave.  She traveled all the way down to Wortham, Texas at least 4 times a year to change the flowers.  To be sure they were seasonal.  So obsessive in fact that she had my Mother-in-Law take her down just weeks before she passed away.  And although she didn't have the strength to get out of the car, she made sure the flowers were summer.  So when I found myself with a day all to myself, which also happened to be the first full day of Fall, I knew what I had to do.  I went and found some flowers, and drove down to change them out.  I think she would like them.

I also changed out the flowers on her parent's grave, which is right beside this hers.

I took enough flowers to do her sister's grave also, but it looked like her family has been bringing flowers of their own.  And after consulting both my husband and Mother-in-Law decided to leave a small bouquet.

So relax Grandma, as long as I am able, I will make sure your flowers are always in season.  It's the least I can do.

Busy Busy Busy

Oh, will the busyness ever slow down?  Probably not.  I've been handling it fairly well I suppose.  No more anxiety attacks since I've been monitoring my caffeine intake.  No caffeine while PMSing = no anxiety attacks :)  Although I am still having crazy mood swings and hot flashes :(  My PCP was not able to help me with my PCOS symptoms.  But she did send off for a few tests for diabetes and my thyroid.  Still waiting for those results.  Now I need to see my GYN about the PCOS.  And since I've already had my annual back in February, I don't think my insurance will cover another visit.  So I have to decide if I want to shell out the extra cash or wait until February. 

School has been going pretty well.  My angel is actually reading!!  Hubby was home and helped on Monday.  He forced him to read his questions, and guess what??  He can!!  I know he's not really up to grade level, but he can read.  Pokey Little Puppy is doing pretty well also.  He has good days and bad.  I have learned during lecture time to let him roll.  He still listens and he's happier about listening.  Squirt wants his turn too, I need to find more time to work with him also.

I've found a new workout.  I'm doing a new 30 min dance cardio every day.  And I'm doing an additional 30 min boot camp.  It's pretty killer.  I enjoy the intensity but the lunges are killing my knee.  I need to remember to wear my brace.  I like that I am working out so hard, but I really hate being sore. 

I am up to 7 pounds lost on my ticker above, super excited about that!  Slow and steady loss means it is more likely to stay lost.  I was able to talk to my doctor about the weight loss, she put in a recommendation for a consult with a dietician.  Hopefully my insurance will cover at least part of it, but even if it doesn't I am hoping to have at least a few meetings.  I am really believing I can do this.  I may need to adjust my goal weight, but I can definitely get to a point of being fit and healthy. 

Oh the guilt!

I am feeling really guilty today.  I am actually proud of myself.  I am up to an hour of cardio 5-6 days a week.  But this morning, My Angel woke up too early.  I mean, I am getting up at 5am now!  And he still got up before I was done.  I sent him back to bed.  I just can't work out as well with the kids just sitting there watching me.  So I felt a little guilty about that.  But then I could hear My Squirt coughing his poor little lungs out, and I still finished my last 15 minute set.  Yeah, I'm terrible.  I am reasonably certain it's just allergies and the weather changing - not pneumonia or anything.  But I still feel terrible.  And then when I got him up I just gave him medicine and tucked him in on the couch to watch cartoons while I went ahead with my shower and morning routine.

I've been feeling guilty about ignoring him lately anyway, the fact that he hasn't seemed like he feels good for the past few days just makes it worse.  I've been so busy trying to get into the swing of school, and really buckle down and do a good job this year.  He doesn't get much cuddle time anymore.  I've really got to make more time for him.  Pretty soon he won't want to sit and cuddle anymore!

Kind of a side note, I think I've come a long way these past few months.  Sleeping in is now 7:30-8:00 instead of 10:00.  My house is pretty clean most of the time.  I cook more often than we go out.  We have stayed on track with school work.  I'm even studying all week long for my Sunday School lesson, instead of Saturday night (or Sunday morning!).  I'm starting to believe I can reach my weight loss goal.  Not any time soon of course, but someday.

I am going to the doctor this week for a check up.  I also need to ask about PCOS.  My gyn has told me I have it, but not much about it.  I read a forum on MFP about some of the difficulties and realized I should probably seek some sort of treatment.  All of the symptoms I've been frustrated with lately actually point to PCOS, not super early menopause.  And PCOS increases my risk for diabetes, which is already in my family, and I'm really overweight, so I need to keep that monitored more closely.  More motivation to loose the weight!  But since PCOS makes it harder to loose weight, I think it's time for professional help.

2 More!

Well, bye-bye to two more pounds!  I'm pretty sure it's just the bloating going away, because I ate waaaaay too many m&m's yesterday at my Mom's house (who can say no to peanut butter and chocolate??) BUT I will take it and keep moving forward :)

School has been going better, I am getting the hang of things.  I have to keep reminding myself why I am doing it.  "Then Esau said, “Let us journey on our way, and I will go ahead of you.”  But Jacob said to him, “My lord knows that the children are frail, and that the nursing flocks and herds are a care to me. If they are driven hard for one day, all the flocks will die.  Let my lord pass on ahead of his servant, and I will lead on slowly, at the pace of the livestock that are ahead of me and at the pace of the children, until I come to my lord in Seir.”" Deuteronomy 33:12-14.  I am going at their pace.  For Joseph's science lesson last week I had to let him just roll back and forth on the floor while we talked about the days of creation.  But he finally listened, and was able to finish his test.

I think I might be settling into a routine :)

Not zero anymore

I am so pumped! My ticker doesn't say 0 pounds lost anymore!!!!! Yay!!!!!

I stuck to my work out plan all week, and stayed under my calorie goal - sort of. I am working on learning portion control. Sometimes I wonder if my calorie log is really accurate. But I guess I'm not too far off if I've managed to loose 2 pounds :)

The trick will be not to gain it back this weekend. We have 2 birthday parties for the boys, which means no time to work out and lots of really bad for me foods :(

Ready?

Yeah, so I was ready for the first day of school... Until we started and the curriculum software I had for my oldest wouldn't work. Every answer we tried to put in it would pop up an error window. So I wasted an hour and a half ordering and setting up new curriculum. But I was able to order basically the same curriculum in an online version. So we were able to start right away, and it is no longer taking up hard drive space on our computer. And I can access it from any computer, any time, any where. We ended up finishing schoolwork about 6pm. But we did it.

And then there was today. My oldest had a follow up appointment with the dentist from his dental surgery. He checked out fine, and on the way out I decided to schedule the next one to start his work. They were able to see him right away, so I figured since we were there might as well get the ball rolling. He is going to need 1 crown and 4 fillings. They think they can get it done in two office visits, and they offered to start right then, but I really had to get home so we left. I'll get him scheduled to start in the next week or two.

We had no sooner walked in the door than my cleaning crew arrived. And of course the house was a disaster. So the whirlwind of cleaning-so-the-cleaning-crew-can-clean began. We got two subjects of schoolwork done while they cleaned. And my niece arrived for my to babysit (a new regular thing on Tuesdays - I'm actually really excited :) Then we all went out for lunch to try to relax (my m-i-l was having a pretty bad day too). After lunch we squeezed in the rest of school work before the boys got to go to my m-i-l's and my b-i-l came back for his little girl.

So now I have some quiet time. I'm starting to feel like today was actually pretty productive. Tomorrow will be better. It has to.

School Time

It is time for school to start, and I am actually ready! All my lesson plans FOR THE YEAR are done ahead of time. My oldest is finally old enough for Switched On, which means all his lessons will be on the computer, and it's already done for me. The program even grades it and keeps all his records. I ordered written curriculum for my middle child, and I have worked out all my lesson plans so all I have to do is study the night before for the next day. I have them in another computer program so I can input grades and attendance for him. I thought I'd copy all of the oldest into the program also so I could have them all in one place, but that seems like an awful lot of extra work.

I have stayed under my calorie goals on myfitnesspal so far, but I haven't input today yet. I am wondering if I should just skip Sundays and let them be my cheat days. I think I need to weigh in and take measurements tomorrow. Not sure if I want to do that weekly or monthly, but I haven't really done it since January, so I really should.

It's weird, but for the first time ever, I feel like I can do this. I can loose this weight. I can learn how to be healthy.