Letting go of a dream?

Ugh. I'm cleaning out/organizing my kitchen again. Every few months I get so disgusted I spend a few days trying to make it better. It's so frustrating. How do I have so much junk?? I mean, my house is tiny! Every 3-4 months I go through and throw away tons of junk. But 3-4 months later there is tons more that needs to be thrown away! It's ridiculous.

But this time I've come to a hard decision. I decided a few months ago I couldn't handle cake decorating on a large scale in the space I have. So I won't do any more until I get a better space. But it's looking more and more like that better space is not coming any time soon, if ever. I'm starting to think it may be time to get rid of all the cake pans.

I have got cake pans EVERYWHERE. Hanging on the walls in my kitchen, in cabinets, on shelves, in my closet, in Hubby's closet, in storage in the car port. Everywhere. It's starting to become a burden. Every time I see them, it reminds me of what I can't do. I really like decorating cakes. It's fun, it's creative, it would be a great way to make a little extra money. Someday. If someday ever comes. Ugh.

No Pain, No Gain? But I'm trying to lose!

I hate being sore. Actually, I really hate being sore. No, I really, really hate being sore. Three and a half months I have been working out now. Three and a half months I have been sore. I am truly miserable. I'm trying so hard to learn how to keep my house clean, actually cook for my family, and take care of myself. And I am, mostly. But not nearly as much as I really want to. It's crazy, for the first time ever, I really want to clean. But the pain, every time I move! I can barely even walk, I'm limping around the house. My house is actually cleaner than it has ever been, but I feel like it is so dirty. I haven't swept in two days. And actually, I didn't even sweep then. My "housekeeper" did. There is dog hair everywhere. It is completely grossing me out. But not enough to endure the excruciating pain that will come when I have to squat down to sweep the pile into the dust pan.  Bending over to move clothes from the washing machine to the dryer or take them out to fold them has been agony.

The worst part is how freaking slow the scale is moving. Everyone keeps telling me how good I look, but I just can't see it. My clothes are looser, and I can wear things I haven't worn in a long time. But I feel so achy and lazy I just want to curl up in a ball and not move at all. And that makes me feel fat and gross. Ugh.

Happy Birthday to me :)

So, today is my birthday. My 30th birthday. Is this it? Is this when the switch flips? Am I officially a grown up now? Will I magically know all the stuff I think I'm supposed to know? Will I magically do all the things I think I'm supposed to do? Hmmm...

I'm waiting...

Still waiting...

You know, I'm beginning to think there might not be a switch. I might have to suck it up and work hard to be a grown up. Keep learning the things I think I'm supposed to know. Actually do the things I think I'm supposed to do.

I'm actually enjoying this birthday quite a bit. It's a big number, so I got a big weekend with Hubby. We went down to Texas Hill Country near Austin and stayed in a fabulous B&B, Mt Gainor Inn. It was a perfect location, perfect setting, perfect room, just absolutely perfect. The innkeepers were so nice, and breakfast was delicious! We only got lost twice on the way there, and anybody who has ever traveled with me will know that is really good! The first night we just grabbed take out Chinese and passed out early. We had both had a hard week. Saturday we ventured down to Wimberly to the Wimberly Glass Works. We got to see the artists at work, and it was amazing! Then we shopped for a while in the quaint little downtown. We also stopped at a local winery for a tasting and picked out a bottle to bring home. By then I was tired (I'm not big on being out running around) so we headed back to our cottage and had a very relaxing bubble bath. Dinner was at a very nice local cafe and then we spent about an hour lounging and talking in the hammocks at the inn. I literally cried because it was all so perfect. Sunday we managed to make it all the way home without getting lost at all. Although we did get stuck behind a huge slow rv and a funeral procession!

This week has been back to the grind, and I feel like I'm slowly getting better at taking care of things. As I type there are currently NO dishes in my sink! School is going well, I've been cooking, and cleaning. I'm becoming a regular housewife. It feels so good.

I think I'm going to like being grown up :)